It’s my birthday. Or more accurately by the time I post this, it was my birthday. No offense to anyone and none taken for not knowing it. I don’t make a big deal out of it. Never have done really, exams make it quite hard too. It’s not that I’m not bothered it’s nice to get the odd present but I wouldn’t want to make a fuss (see Egyptian pharaoh comment later).
However for my birthday (so far) I have got Work is Hell by Matt Groening (the Simpson bloke). It’s very funny, my kind of humour really, pessimistic, slightly cruel and vicious yet exceptionally funny. All I’ve got to do is choose a suitable page to pin up next to my computer when I start work in a pathetic attempt at humour. That was from Andrea, she also got me some Jelly Beans (TM) which led me to wonder….
Who has the job of taste-testing the Jelly Beans (TM), do they change jobs after a week because they can’t look at one without actually vomiting? The bag has a list of ‘recipes’ on the front of it. Things like “Wild Blackberry Peach Cobbler = 1 Wild Berry, 2 Peach, 1 Lemon” and “Banana Split = 1 Top banana, 1 Chocolate Pudding, 1 Crushed Pineapple, 1 Strawberry Jam, 1 Very Cherry and 1 Cream Soda”. Now how many weird combinations of jelly beans ™ did they have to try before finding something that tastes like “Mango Tango Salsa”?. And oddly enough ‘Buttered Popcorn’ does actually taste (at least a bit) like buttered popcorn
I also went out and bought a digital camera (A Canon Powershot A80 to be precise). I decided that having only just got round to developing the photos I took in Prague in September something had to be dome about this. Anyway digital is a much more sensible format than paper as you can always print out digital, scanning normal photos in is a pain. So far I am very happy with it. I’m looking forward to trying it out properly soon. In a cunning use of two presents at the same time my desktop background is a picture of lots and lots and lots of Jelly Beans (TM), mmmmmm macro mode. I’m sure it won’t take me too long to change it to something a little less ..erm.. trippy is possibly the word. And all you need to do is look here and you too can have wallpaper that makes you want to vomit. Whilst were on the subject of Jelly Beans (TM) - the Root Beer Jelly bean is really disgusting. The Jalapeno pepper one is a little weird too although not entirely unpleasant.
Well that was pretty much my birthday.
And now what you’ve all been waiting for. From ‘The Museum of Everything’ which was on Radio 4 recently and having only managed to record one program I am now at the point of being able to recite almost all of it. I only listened to it because Marcus Brigstock (from The Now Show with Punt and Denniss) was involved, he was on ‘Have I Got News For You’ recently too and was very funny. It is however very funny and I shall endeavor to find the recordings of the series. The program I have has such wonders as a funeral of one of the West Sussex Rough Riders, Man 1:’Are you saying Pete didn’t go out in a blaze of Glory?’, Man 2:’Well he certainly went out in a blaze of armed response police bullets’ and also Man 1:’We’ll never know what the last thing that went through his mind was’, Man 2:’It was a high velocity hollow point bullet’.
Anyway amongst such gems as mentions of ‘Badger Land’, the couple searching for the Greek Buttocks Gallery, the annoying blokes (Woman:’you went to Oxford?’, Men:’Guilty’, Woman:’Which college?’, Men:’Brookes’) is ‘last wishes of a dieing Pharaoh.
Pharaoh (with a cockney accent): Listen, I don’t want a lot of fuss when I go you know, nothing fancy, you know you’re old dad, keep it simple and dignified, yeah. Just a massive pyramid, yeah, yeah, just build me a whopping great pyramid.
Son: Right…
Pharaoh: You know I hate fuss, I mean I won’t know you know I’ll be gone, so just make it absolutely awe inspiring, yeah yeah. Just something that will keep them wondering for the next two to three thousand years.
Son : Ok, so a massive pyramid
Other Son: And what about you’re gold?
Pharaoh: You know I leave all of that to you, yeah yeah. You know, just pop it in the pyramid then we all know where it is eh…
Pharaoh: And you’ll look after your old mum when I’m gone wont you?
Sons: Yeah of course
Pharaoh: Actually, you know what. Just put her in the pyramid a well, yeah yeah. And whilst I’m thinking about it maybe sacrifice all my slaves as well, stick them in as well, yeah yeah.
Son: ..ok, gold and the slaves…
Pharaoh: You know, nothing fancy, I don’t want to make a fuss. You know, and the army as well, and my cattle in-case I wake up and feel a bit peckish.
Other Son: So that’s it?
Pharaoh: Yeah, you know you’re old dad, don’t want to make a fuss…..
The next bit’s really good with Cleopatra ‘Would you like to see my asp?’ and Lord Kanarvan (or however you spell it) (in a (bad, aren’t they all ;-P) welsh accent) ‘Ooohh look, a death mask, I’m bagsey-ing that too, that is skill that is, let’s see what’s underneath it…aww, it’s a dead bloke in bandages I think I’m gonna gook!’). I will bore more people by reciting this at them later but for now…..
